Ugh. Today is a hard one for me. Today would have been the first birthday for our third child. I'm not sure why it hits me so much harder on the due date than any other day of the year, but it does. I recently had some tests done and found out that I had low progesterone levels. Maybe this is why it hurts so much more this year? Knowing that our loss might have been prevented had we done some testing after losing our 2nd child. All the doctors insisted there was no reason to do anything, that it was likely a fluke. And so, we did nothing.
It is so not like me to do nothing.
I know God's will will always be done, but I can't help the guilt that comes with thinking I could have done something.
I took some comfort before in thinking that we lost our two babies so that our hearts and minds would be lead to adoption, to find Coen. While I feel extremely blessed to be his mother as well as Carter's, you just can't replace one child with another. I find myself greedily thinking: why couldn't I just have all four of them right now? A 3 year old, a two year old, 1 about to be 2 next month, and a one year old. Crazy, I know. That would be crazy. But really, wasn't there another way to lead us to Coen?
Ugh. Tough day.